May 022010

by Faig Mamed

So, Chloe was endowed with these lovely long, long legs that were so beautiful that they put them in the National Endow List and did not allow her to wear anything longer than two cowboy’s belts’ width so the nation could see and feel proud.


And Chloe loved her legs, didn’t she, for they made her so famous she was invited to talk shows and all that. She didn’t have to work, either, except some photo shoots that earned her a pretty penny.


But Chloe’s hubby Colin was a bit square about that and he often wouldn’t let her go out to walk their dog, even, so it pooped in the bathroom.


‘Well, Chloe,’ Colin mumbled, ‘Ya know I’m a bit jealous about yer legs, y’know!’


“Bit, Colin, it’s so canny… Don’t get you ‘coz they don’t see my cunny, anyways, right?” Chloe would reply, “It’s only me legs!”


“Well, aw, but those are my legs,” Colin mumbled.


Colin was not only mumbles but also numbles and so, one day, he pulled the chainsaw from the backyard shed and sawed Chloe’s legs off. He wrapped them in saran film and mailed them to the National Endow Offices by courier along with a cover letter telling it was a contribution from him and Chloe to the national well-being.


And although the National Endow Committee replied in all kind words and sent Chloe a medal on the blue ribbon that she could wear, Chloe wasn’t all that happy, after all.


“Bit, Colin, how I am supposed to go shopping naw?” Chloe harped.


And she harped. And she harped. She wouldn’t shut her yap, no, she wouldn’t!


Poor Colin lost his peace in his heart totally for he could not speak or sleep, let alone have his meals that Chloe cooked so wonderfully!


But Colin was an understanding and loving sort, was our Colin, a great guy like that. Did he beat Chloe with a cricket bat for harping on him? No! Did he throw her out of the house? No, he didn’t do that, our good old big-hearted Colin!


Several years later, on Chloe’s birthday, he came in shining like a new penny, lugging after him something really hulking, all wrapped up in newspapers. Chloe was in low spirits that morning even though it was her birthday, because she couldn’t go shopping at all.


“Well, Chloe, my love, happy birthday to you!” Colin yelled and unwrapped that hulking thing.


“Oh, thank you, darling!” Chloe replied, and her glum cleared out and she looked over inquisitively, “And what did my beloved hubby get me for this birthday?”


“Well, Chloe, you just look at here!” Colin said, beaming with joy.


And he stepped aside to reveal the magnificent view!


Ah, wasn’t it magnificent now?


As Chloe saw her birthday present, she beamed with joy as well because right behind Colin stood a modern, red-leather, powered wheelchair!


“Aw, Colin,” Chloe said, “Aw, yer my darling man! I know you love me!”


“Don’t I, though,” Colin said, “Now, you can go shopping even ten times a day if you wish! All we got to do is brush that mold of yer and there you are, as good as new!”


Colin pulled Chloe out of the armchair and whopped her, his lovely, right into this wonderful red-leather wheelchair. Boy, wasn’t Chloe happy!


“Will you take me to High Park now?” Chloe asked, smiling happily.